We had planned this day for awhile though. It was our annual (ok, as of two years) pilgrimage to a large outdoor ALL DAY Christian music concert.
I grumbled as I got the kids ready, the younger in matching shirts and ID bracelets. I growled as I put up hair up and made special little braids. I rebelled as I gathered bags and camping chairs, coolers and a canopy.
I texted my friend. "I am in such a bad mood. Pray for me please."
I didn't smile easily, but I knew in my heart that the battered and weary feeling would abate when the praise abounded.
I knew the music would make my "bearishness" (Kat Dictionary) ease (at least a little bit...I hoped...I REALLY REALLY HOPED).
Who could resist the praise (to Steven Curtis Chapman) of a formally institutionalized son, knowing the
neglect and abuse he suffered.
Who could not crack up at that little face as she danced for
all of us.
Part of me fought it. I wanted to be in a bad mood. The day was hot and humid...the "Stick me with a fork I'm done Kentucky Fried" hot and humid.
But this little girl....
...and this little boy...
and these girls....
touched this Mommy's heart.
I had been fighting and inner battle. I will tell you the truth. I don't know of many who aren't battle worn and weary right now.
I found myself giving the same lecture over and over again (to myself). Actually, I'm not sure it was a lecture. It was more of an order..."LISTEN.TO.ME"
#1-"I don't have to understand what God is doing. If I understood everything God was doing, He wouldn't be the All Knowing Mighty Stunning God He is. I would be relegating him to something small enough for me to understand.
#2- "Take captive my inner monologue."
It's the second one that may need a little explaining.
I'm finding most of us have a voice in our head.
No, not the "Your just jealous because the little voices are talking to me" kind.
It's our own voice...our own voice that tries to plan the steps of God.
"If I do this, this may happen and I will reply this way."
"I bet this is happening, shoot."
"It's my fault this happened."
Though the inner monologue can give us something to do and be fairly entertaining (laughing), it can keep us from truly throwing your hands up in the air and saying, "God, I don't understand, but it's all yours."
So I've been telling my inner monologue to shut up lately.
(My children would all gasp that Mommy said shut up.)
That's what I'm having to do though. That's what I had to do this day.
I silenced the inner monologue. I enjoyed head banging to TobyMac with my husband and kids.
(You should have seen them. Seriously "into it" rockin' out!)
I told the voice in my head to shut up and enjoyed being with friends.
I gave up knowing. I gave up understanding. I gave it all up to God.
For those of you struggling to understand, I get it. I really do, but there are many things we are not supposed to. We can't figure it out. God is much bigger than that and the inner monologue does no use except bring a feeling of anxiety and defeat.
I am right there throwing my hands up with you. It's okay though, God does understand and He can handle it.
My friend Betsy shared this thought with me today. I thought making a visual was the way to go.
Sarah spent today creating "Save the Date" cards for her wedding in a few months. We are really needing to get on the ball. The time is coming up quick.
Benjamin has now been home over two years. At the concert, with a thumbs up from our Occupational Therapist, we use a animal backpack on him with a tail made for us to hold on to. He is a runner, strong, and used to be indiscriminate in who he went with. This backpack gives him more freedom and is really about his safety. At the concert, as they were walking to get food, my husband just held onto the tale to give Ben this freedom. As he walked through a crowd, Ben reached up and grabbed his hand and held on tight. THIS IS HUGE! He sought safety from his daddy. LOVE IT!!!!
If you wish to follow this blog on Facebook, you can find us at the link below. The only difference is there are occasional personal thoughts between blog posts here. You just get to know me a bit better and I can reply and get to know you a little better. Have a blessed night!
Everlasting Momentum on Facebook